Is your teenager driving you crazy? Don’t worry, you’re in company. Just remember, as a parent, you need to be responsible at 
this point to your ‘young adult’

If your teenager makes you feel a little crazy every now and then, keep in mind that you’re not alone and that it’s a developmental thing. It’s their job to push your buttons, test your patience, push and pull. Your role is to coach your child through this stage of learning independence. And for you to find hidden reserves of love, endurance and patience within yourself.

you think adolescence is hard on you, just think about how difficult it is for them! They’re struggling to find out who they are, what they want and trying on different roles. They want to be free of you yet they still very much need you: they’ll still need you to kiss them and make them feel better once in a while. Just remember, while you’re coaching from the sidelines, and no matter how much they think they’re capable on their own, don’t ever let go of the reins. They’re far from being ready to fly solo.

Teen behaviour can be hard to deal with: excessive self-consciousness, laziness, rudeness, foolish risk-taking, moodiness and anger. Yet research tells us these behaviours are a product of puberty.

The body clocks in teens, for instance, are programmed two hours later than the rest of us. Teens are actually predisposed, due to hormonal fluctuations and the brain’s reorganising process during this stage, to go to bed later and get up later.

Adolescents make some seemingly foolhardy decisions because of their biology. The part of their brain that drives emotion and reward develops quicker than the part that inhibits risk and controls impulses.

Rudeness and disrespect? Researchers call this behaviour “a necessary evil” 
because it serves to help teens sever the links they have with their parents and helps them to start on the road to independence. There has to be emotional distancing, some form of rejection, for teens to be able to move away from their parents and develop a strong sense of self.

Chronic embarrassment? That’s an evolutionary survival mechanism. If it weren’t for acute self-consciousness, younger animals could provoke physical confrontations with elders that they aren’t equipped to win.

You might think, then why are they always picking a fight with me? Arguments with your teen are probably the thing that drives you most crazy but arguments are teachable moments. What’s more, in a long-term study, University of Virginia scientists have discovered that teens that engage in discussion (that is, good arguing) are more resistant to peer pressure. Kids that back down from arguments with their parents quickly are more vulnerable to pressure to drink or use drugs later in life.

Teaching your teen to assert themselves in a calm and reasonable manner will help them develop self-confidence and security. Your positivity, support and warmth can make all the difference in the world.

So how do you teach your teen to argue in a good way? By role modelling such behaviour yourself.

1 Argue, don’t fight. Stay calm and avoid talking to your teen in anger.

2 Don’t use absolutes such as “always”, “never” and “must”. Avoid making personal attacks and separate the problem from the person.

3 Use “I” statements instead of accusatory “You” statements.

4 Remember how much you communicate non-verbally: don’t cross your arms, roll your eyes or point your finger.

5 Don’t yell: your teen will stop listening if you do.

6 Don’t bring up the past.

7 Listen — really listen. Allow your teen to make their point and don’t interrupt to correct them. Whether you agree or not, let them have their say. Don’t assume you’re right or rehearse what you’re going to say next. Truly listen and you may come to understand where your teen is coming from.

8 Don’t get caught up in the need to win. Competition doesn’t resolve things as well as compromise or collaboration.

9 Know when to end a discussion if it’s going nowhere or if either of you are getting too irritated.

10 End the argument in a good way. Practise acceptance and calmness. Give your teen credit if they’ve made a valid point; agree to disagree if you haven’t come to a mutually satisfying resolution; validate your teen’s position.

11 Don’t hold grudges. Let arguments go. Forgive and forget.