Anger affects your physiology, increasing your heart rate and energy hormones. It is part of the fight-or-flight survival mechanism. When we perceive something as a threat, anger takes over our thinking, our actions and our physiology.

The problem is what we perceive as a threat depends upon our thoughts. Anger occurs because we don’t get what we want in some way; our expectations go unmet, expectations about ourselves, about others, about the future. We end up feeling as if others do not care how we feel or that they do not respect us.

Our thoughts cause our anger. It isn’t really the situation or what someone else does that makes us angry. We make ourselves angry because of how we perceive and think about the situation. Our self-concept and past experiences contribute to how we perceive situations and react to triggers. The way we manage our anger also affects how others treat us and uncontrolled anger can create an unhealthy environment and vicious cycle of aggression.

There are three ways that you can deal with anger: express it, suppress it or calm down.

Expressing yourself in an assertive — not aggressive — way is the healthiest response to anger. You make your needs clear, how you want them met, and with respect for others. When you express your anger in a constructive way, you use feedback loops. That is, each person has opportunities to respond to what is said. Sometimes, just expressing your anger in the first place helps you to calm down.

It’s important not to vent and rant when expressing your anger. Constructive expression involves a problem-solving intent.

Researchers have found that “letting it all hang out” or venting worsens anger: you are actually rehearsing and reliving all of the things that made you angry in the first place. Venting escalates anger and aggression and doesn’t contribute to resolution.

You can also suppress your anger. There is a danger with suppressing anger because if you don’t try and redirect it; your anger may find other outlets.

People that are passive-aggressive, those that get back at people indirectly, do so because they are not expressing or redirecting their anger. People that are chronically critical, cynical and hostile are also those that have suppressed their anger. Anger can also turn inwards and become directed at yourself. This can lead to depression, health issues and low self-esteem.

Repression and redirection involve you focusing on something besides the source of your anger. You stop running over what angers you in your mind and focus on something positive or something constructive that you can do instead.

In this way, your anger at your job can help you to approach your manager about needed changes or drive you to start preparing for another career. It can cause you to think about the relationships you’re in: whether to leave them or seek counselling. Anger can be a healthy trigger for needed changes if redirected in constructive ways.

You can also deal with your anger by calming down, by controlling aggressive words and actions and using relaxation exercises and other means to allow the anger to flow through you and then dissipate naturally. For the most part, emotions have a short life span if you don’t hold onto your rage or keep obsessing about the source of your anger, re-triggering it.

Anger management involves self-knowledge. It involves knowing your triggers, recognising when you’re getting really angry and implementing strategies to keep you from becoming enraged. You can’t always control what others do or the situations you find yourself in but you can learn to control your reactions — cognitively, emotionally and physically — to them.

Here are nine tips to manage anger:

1.   Change your environment. Timeouts aren’t just for children. Before reacting, count to 10, take deep breaths, take a break, walk away. Slow yourself down and let your anger dissipate before taking action. Try not to speak out of overwhelming frustration. Schedule private times for those periods when you know you are stressed or overtired. Make the 15 minutes after you come home from work private or quiet time. Get outside or leave your house or workplace briefly to allow yourself to calm down before dealing with a stressful situation.

2.   Express your anger assertively. Wait until you’re calmer before expressing your frustration in a non-confrontational and respectful way. Explain your needs without hurting or offending others and without trying to control their actions.

3.   Exercise. Expelling those stress hormones can calm you down. Run up and down the stairs; go for a walk, take a bike ride or a swim; climb on the treadmill when you’re angry. You’ll be surprised at how much calmer and clear-headed you are when you engage in any kind of physical activity before dealing with frustrating situations.

4.   Combat anger with logic. Anger quickly becomes exaggerated and irrational. If you find yourself using words like “always” and “never”, confront yourself with rationality. Is this “always” true? Does he “never” consider you? Is “everything” really ruined? Remind yourself that it’s not the end of the world, that this is just a rough spot that doesn’t deserve intense rumination. Try to think in a balanced rather than overdramatic way. Try thinking in terms of “What I would like” rather than “I need”, “I have to have”, “I demand”, or “I must”.

5.   Practise good communication. When you’re angry, you are acting on perceptions that may be faulty or just plain wrong. Think before you speak instead of speaking reactively. Really listen to what others say and really think about what you want to say. Think about your needs but respect other people’s needs too. Listen to underlying emotions and messages rather than becoming defensive or aggressive. Avoid using those “always” and “never” kind of words and stick with “I” statements rather than “You”. For example, instead of saying “You never consider what I want to do”, say “I feel that I never get a say in what we choose.”

6.   Think about problem-solving rather than venting. Instead of going over and over in your mind the thing that made you angry, it’s more helpful to think in terms of how to resolve it. If your son’s pile of clothes is making you angry: close the bedroom door. If your spouse is late to dinner too often: make dinner later or eat on your own. If road rage affects you daily, try a different route even if it’s longer or try commuting by bus, train or carpooling.

Sometimes problems may seem inescapable. When this is true, instead of focusing on the solution, work on your reactions and responses. Practise relaxation techniques and get advice about how to progress in resolving the problem over the long term.

7.   Use humour. Humour can alleviate tension as long as it isn’t sarcastic. It can help you lighten up and see things in a more balanced way. Make fun of yourself, make fun of the situation. Don’t try to dispel your problems with humour, “laughing them away” but do try to gain a more reasonable perspective. Don’t take yourself or your anger too seriously.

8.   Practise relaxation skills. Practising relaxation skills can improve the quality of your life whether you’re dealing with anger or not. Try deep breathing; visualising a relaxing place; repeating an affirmation or calming phrase. Listen to music you like or take up yoga. Practicing relaxation skills will help you feel more balanced.

9.   Don’t nurse resentments. Anger is often borne of our inability to control the world or those around us. You can find yourself bitter and resentful the more you nurse a grudge. Try forgiveness to move past such limiting feelings. Research has shown that forgiveness is good for your physical and emotional health. It lowers the rate of cancer, cardiovascular disease, anxiety and depression. Don’t think of people having to earn your forgiveness. Forgiveness is something you give and you’re really giving a gift to yourself.

Get professional help if you feel that your anger is out of control or frightening. Some people really are more hot-headed than the average person. This anger doesn’t always show itself with aggressive outbursts: it can be seen in the chronically cantankerous person, the constantly unwell person and the socially withdrawn. Some people just have low tolerance for frustration.

The causes of this low tolerance range from genetic to environmental. Scientists say some people are more touchy and more prone to irritation. Most people, however, are taught that anger isn’t okay and never learn to manage it constructively. Many easily angered people come from chaotic and disruptive family backgrounds.

Whether you’re easily angered or not, anger management can help teach you to recognise your triggers and their contributors such as lack of sleep, over-scheduling, and alcohol abuse. You can learn to recognise the signs that anger is building in a bad way and learn techniques to quell your anger and deal with it in better ways.