I know a lot of people say marriage requires a lot of work, but
 I’m not one of them.  Maintenance, maybe, but “work” makes 
it sound like an endless stream of constant drudgery, when in fact
 research suggests that a solid marriage is actually only 5% drudgery
 and 80% awesomeness, with a 15% margin of error to allow for how I 
feel about it when I’m PMSing.

So, as a long-awaited public service, I’ve collected my top
 Maintenance Tips For A Happy Marriage.  Follow these five guidelines,
and chances are at least 50/50 (or some other fraction) that your 
relationship will never require any of that pesky “work.”

1. Marry the right person
This seems like a no-brainer, but it’s astonishing how many people 
skip this step.

2. Communication
It’s all too easy to lose touch with our loved ones, especially if 
they’re not on Twitter for some reason or if the kids are making so
much noise you can’t hear yourself think.  If you’re feeling distant
 from your spouse, even after checking their latest Facebook status
 updates, I encourage you to address the issue right away.

For example, my husband and I were sitting on the couch one day, 
each silently absorbed in our Smart Phone screens.  Suddenly my phone
 beeped, letting me know he’d added a photo to Facebook, which was
 news to me even though he was only about two inches from my hip.

Me: I don’t like it very much that my phone knows more
about you than I do.

Gerry: Like what? What does your phone know?

Me: It knows… what you’re doing on your phone.

Then he laughed at me.  But the important thing was that I let him
 know I felt we were drifting apart, and, if someone happened to be 
watching through the window, it would have appeared that we were 
engaged in a pleasant conversation.  That’s half the battle.

3. Body Language and Thoughtful Gestures
On the subject of communication, let’s face it – sometimes it can
be easy to get your feelings hurt if you listen to the actual words
 that someone says.  Or you might go through a dry spell where it seems 
like ages since your spouse last paid you a compliment.

At these times, remember that the love in your relationship is
 often unspoken.  When he comes home with four gallons of ice cream, 
it’s his way of saying, “Baby, I think those extra 20 pounds are
 super sexy – don’t you change a thing.”  When he plops down on 
the couch and unceremoniously changes the channel from HGTV to ESPN,
 he’s saying, “Honey, you don’t need these decorating tips – the
 house looks great!”  And when she subsequently cuts him the side
eyes and leaves the room in an apparent huff, what she’s really 
thinking is, “That’s okay, dearest, I’ll use this bit of free 
time to eat some ice cream. And then I’ll help you combine your 
passions for athletics and recycled mulch by tossing all your sports
 equipment in the chipper shredder.”

If you look for it, the love is there.

4. Say Thank You
Also, look for reasons to be grateful for your spouse, and make
 sure to let them know they’re appreciated.  This makes them feel good, 
and inspires them to do more of the things you appreciate, which
 creates a self-perpetuating cycle of positive vibes.

If your spouse isn’t doing anything particularly noteworthy, you 
might have to dig for things to be grateful for at first.  Try these
words of praise to get started:

• Thanks a lot for mouth-breathing
 less than usual.
• It’s impressive how high you can
 get the trash to pile up without toppling before you take it
 outside.
• Your efforts to get your filthy
 clothes within a five-foot radius of the hamper make doing your
 laundry a real treat.
• I appreciate how you only belched audibly twice while we were
 out to dinner with my parents.

With encouragement like this, it won’t take your spouse long to
 get an idea of how much you cherish his or her contribution to the
partnership.

5. Hygiene

Sadly, it’s common for people to let themselves go after the 
wedding vows are wrapped up, especially once children enter the
equation.  I urge you to avoid this if at all possible – being married 
doesn’t give you a free pass to become utterly repulsive.  Refrain
from clipping your toenails on the couch.  Take the time to spritz on 
some body spray when you hit day four of being too exhausted to take 
a shower.  Shaving is a nice touch – try not to leave the entire 
bathroom peppered with your stubble.  The extra effort will go a long 
way toward keeping the spark in your marriage alive, or should at
 least reduce your spouse’s urge to smother you in your sleep.

If you can manage to keep all five of these tips in mind, or at least one or two of them if you’re on an long car trip with the children or you’re working on a home improvement project together (nobody expects you to be a saint), you have an excellent chance* of still liking each other by the time the kids move out and you eventually get to spend time as a couple again.