When most couples exchange their vows the intention is see their relationship last. However, up to 60% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. It is devastating to couples and the children, stirring up hurt and bitterness that take time to heal.

Are you going through a divorce? Take these intentional steps to bounce back, so you can enjoy a more fulfilling life.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Keep a Routine
Divorce elicits many emotions. Some feel guilt, others regret. Others feel deep resentment. Uprooting you and your children’s lives bring great stress. Rebuilding your lives will take time. Following your daily routines, particularly during this time, serves as an anchor for you. If your child goes to daycare four times a week, keep it up. If you have a latte with a friend on Thursday, continue to do it. Focus on work as much as possible. Keeping to your daily schedule will create a sense of stability needed as you’re going through this traumatic time.

2. Grieve
I recently listened to an acquaintance express some powerful, negative emotions about her ex-husband. Thinking that the divorce was recent, I asked, “Wow, I understand how feelings can be raw when you’ve just divorced.” “What?” she said. “Girl, I’ve been divorced for fourteen years!”

“Goodness,” I thought, “I hope to never hang on so tightly to hatred.”

Dr. John Townsend, a clinical psychologist, calls grief the “healing feeling.” Why? Like it or not, going through the stages of grief is necessary, and allows us to eventually bring closure to a relationship, while preparing us for something better. Stages may overlap, but expect to feel denial, shock, anger, the desire to keep the relationship as it was, depression and finally acceptance about the reality.

The grief process challenges us to accept ourselves even as unpredictable feelings emerge.

When I was going through my divorce, it was during the time I was an elementary school teacher. There were times I would suddenly cry uncontrollably, and had to run into the staff lounge so students wouldn’t see my tears. I had to learn to accept the uncomfortable aspects of my grief, and just get through it.

Admittedly, letting go of a former spouse is difficult. But doing the work of emotional healing means we don’t have to end up like my acquaintance fourteen years later-riddled with a terminal case of bitterness.
Another powerful tool you can utilize to manage poignant emotions as you’re healing is a method I developed called the ABCC method taken out of the world of cognitive psychology which asserts that if you change negative thinking you can upgrade your behavior. You will need to carry a small notebook in your purse or briefcase. When intense or lingering emotions occur throughout your day, it a clue that it’s time to work it out in your notebook by following the model:

A= Adverse. Write succinctly in your notebook what event in your day is bothering you.
B=Belief. Write the beliefs that are underneath the feelings, no matter how nonsensical it appears to you.
C=Consequences. What are the physical, relational or emotional consequences of basking in these negative emotions? Write these down.
C= Counter. By countering your beliefs with truth, you are able to dilute intense emotions, so you are better able to solve an issue or be more productive throughout your day. This model can help clarify unclear thinking due to intense feelings.

3. Own Your Part and Your Part Only
In order to grow, when it’s the appropriate time, examine weak areas in your former relationship and how you contributed to the demise of it. The purpose is not to beat yourself up or take total responsibility for the failed marriage, but rather to admit reality, in order to begin work on your character issues, so that you are better prepared for your next serious relationship.

A friend of mine admitted that after his relationship dissolved he realized that he had not been honest with himself. Deep inside he knew that he did not have the capacity, or the patience to rear the three difficult teenage daughters he was inheriting when he married his ex-wife. But he did not listen to that small voice because he was eager to marry after being single for fourteen years. Now he values that voice much more.

Were there communication issues straining your marriage? There are groups at hospitals and in the community that can teach you how to discuss issues without destroying your marriage. Do you tend to exhibit excessive jealousy and anger in intimate relationships? Individual counseling can address the deeply rooted issues that trigger an over the top anger response to others. Be proactive and change where needed.

Conclusion
By keeping to our daily routine, by allowing our emotions to heal and through self -examination, we can as Oprah Winfrey, the famous talk show host asserts, “Turn our wounds to wisdom.” Using these strategies will allow you to bounce back, and grow through this tough season, preparing you for a better relationship to come.